Breaking Point
by bloodymary2
Summary: I miss you, but you won't return my calls. [...] Beep... Mac's POV, post ATW.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own these characters or the show named JAG. I write purely for my own satisfaction and maybe for a couple of reviews. Please, no suing, because then you would have to sue every single fanfic author out there and there are so many of us that it would end up being a bigger headache than it would be worth it. Thanks!

**A/N**: This takes place after Paraguay, but before Harm comes back. It is rather dark, but I just had the idea come to me during a visit to the ICU as part of my class (I'm a med student) and I just had to put it to paper. This is not my first JAG fic, I am working on a WIP AU one that has taken a life of its own, but I thought… Why wait to post this one?

All mistakes are mine, as this has not been betaed and my first language is Portuguese, not English. Feel free to point out my mistakes and I will do my best to correct them.

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**Breaking Point**

By bloodymary2

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Nothing.

There was just...

Nothing.

_Sigh._

My heart feels empty. Hollow. It does not hurt how I would expect it to hurt. It beats only because of the electrical impulses the muscle fibers receive periodically from special nerve cells present on its atria. It functions normally, which is the only way I know I'm still alive.

I wish it would hurt, but it doesn't.

Nothing feels real and I wonder why now.

After everything I've been through, after all the tragedy I have managed to survive, how can something so simple, so trivial, destroy me so completely, that I am left barren and empty, I do not know. All I know is that life has taken a surreal turn and I'm not sure what to do next.

My chest feels constricted with a thousand words not spoken and I wish there was a way I could make them be heard. But my voice fails me and no one seems to notice that I am choking.

I know you would have, if only you were still here.

I see everyone around me move in slow motion, carrying on with their lives the way I so desperately would want to. But I can't. Because to do so, I would have to grieve the loss that has reduced me to this hollow shell. I would have to cry, to deny that it happened at all and in the end I would have to finally accept it. Stages and all that crap. But the tears won't come, the pain has not registered and I can't really deny it happened, because it did. I said those words; the wrong ones and I can't take them back.

_Beep…_

I want to act, react, do anything, but I don't. I can't sleep, I'm never hungry and my lips seem to have forgotten how to smile. I haven't done that is such a long time, even before… Before Hell ascended and everything fell apart.

_You have reached…_

I keep dancing around the hope that someday I'll able to hear your voice say my name the way you used to, telling me so much, without saying anything at all. Strange, that I miss the meaningful silence more than the words I so wanted to hear you say.

_Leave a message…_

But the cold tone you used to record your new voice mail with doesn't break this trance I am drowning in. It only serves to chill my soul even further, though I'm unable to shiver. I note the time in my mind and simply ask you to call me back. No excuses, no explanations, no real hope this one will be any different than all the other ten pleas I have already left on your answering machine.

_And I'll get back to you as soon..._

I just want to feel something, anything. I long to breathe normally again, I want to live again. I just wish I could feel human again. Because I didn't know, when those words I wanted to believe in so badly were spoken, that you were the best part of my humanity and that regardless of how you made me fell... Angry, amused, happy... You made me feel it deeply and completely. I miss you, but you won't return my calls.

I won't stop though…

Because if I do…

I chance never seeing you again and there is only so much a body can take before it starts falling apart.

What was I thinking?

Never is such a long time.

_Beep…_

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There won't be anymore chapters ( yes, that's a shocker for those who know me). This is a stand alone and a sort of brief insight into Mac's head during those 'dark six months". I hope you like it and I really wish you would leave me a review either way.

Thanx!


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